the title says it all.
6/28/09 - 10/28/10
RIP to love.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
......untitled for a reason....
And you taught me what this feels like.
And then how it feels to lose it.
And you showed me who I wanted.
And then who I wasn’t.
And you ticked every box.
And then drew a line.
And you weren’t mine to begin with.
And then not to end with.
And you looked like everything I wanted.
And then became something I hated.
And you get thought of every day.
And then not in a good way.
And you let me leave.
And then wish I’d stayed.
And you almost killed me.
But I didn’t die.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
shame on me - no, shame on YOU.
"If someone tells you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou
I don't think I've fully embraced that quote until now. A person is always going to present who they are & what they're about - and sometimes, they don't even realize it. It can be in a joke..or maybe a story told about another person. Somehow, someway - they let you know EXACTLY where they stand. I can be honestly enough and say that I have gotten caught up.. I have found myself believing that my bullshit meter is in working order and that NOTHING can get past me. Yeah- THAT didn't work out so well. So, here I sit...writing this blog with a heavy heart & confused spirit. I have a bad habit of wanting to rescue people..and somewhere along the way, I forget to save the most important person - me. I give people way too many chances...way too many opportunities to mistreat & destroy my heart. I put their feelings & wants before my own - and even when they quack LOUD as day, I refuse to believe they are a duck.
"If someone tells you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou
Yes - I had to put it up again. I need to see this..need to feel it in my soul and heed it's warning.
I don't think I've fully embraced that quote until now. A person is always going to present who they are & what they're about - and sometimes, they don't even realize it. It can be in a joke..or maybe a story told about another person. Somehow, someway - they let you know EXACTLY where they stand. I can be honestly enough and say that I have gotten caught up.. I have found myself believing that my bullshit meter is in working order and that NOTHING can get past me. Yeah- THAT didn't work out so well. So, here I sit...writing this blog with a heavy heart & confused spirit. I have a bad habit of wanting to rescue people..and somewhere along the way, I forget to save the most important person - me. I give people way too many chances...way too many opportunities to mistreat & destroy my heart. I put their feelings & wants before my own - and even when they quack LOUD as day, I refuse to believe they are a duck.
"If someone tells you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou
Yes - I had to put it up again. I need to see this..need to feel it in my soul and heed it's warning.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
life.
Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating or haven't dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, or which guy or girl likes you. It's not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. It's not about grades,money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not.Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are.
Life just isn't about that.
Life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust,happiness and compassion. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance andbuilding confidence. It's about what you say and whatyou mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. It's about friendship, used as a sanctity or as a weapon. It's about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful or heartening. It's not about starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip.It's about what judgments you pass and why and who your judgments are spread to. It's not about who you've ignored with full control and intention. It's not about jealousy, fear, ignorance, and revenge.
Most of all, life is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise.
The above piece is actually a re-post from another blog I had...but it's something that I read often and truly feel deep in my soul. I've had a lot of time to think and be with myself without outside interference and I came to a conclusion..I waste a lot of my energy on people who don't deserve it. I try so hard to make sure everyone is happy..comfortable..and 70% of the people I do all this for, give me their ass to kiss or show me no compassion or comfort in my time of need. Then I get these bogus ass excuses like"I thought you were cool" or "That's just my personality..sorry." Well,if you cared to ask, you would know I'm not "cool" and if your personality is that cold and unfeeling , perhaps you should limit your contact with other humans.
disclaimer: if you have to email/call/txt me and ask who or what this blog is about..it's probably about you.
Life just isn't about that.
Life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust,happiness and compassion. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance andbuilding confidence. It's about what you say and whatyou mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. It's about friendship, used as a sanctity or as a weapon. It's about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful or heartening. It's not about starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip.It's about what judgments you pass and why and who your judgments are spread to. It's not about who you've ignored with full control and intention. It's not about jealousy, fear, ignorance, and revenge.
Most of all, life is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise.
The above piece is actually a re-post from another blog I had...but it's something that I read often and truly feel deep in my soul. I've had a lot of time to think and be with myself without outside interference and I came to a conclusion..I waste a lot of my energy on people who don't deserve it. I try so hard to make sure everyone is happy..comfortable..and 70% of the people I do all this for, give me their ass to kiss or show me no compassion or comfort in my time of need. Then I get these bogus ass excuses like"I thought you were cool" or "That's just my personality..sorry." Well,if you cared to ask, you would know I'm not "cool" and if your personality is that cold and unfeeling , perhaps you should limit your contact with other humans.
disclaimer: if you have to email/call/txt me and ask who or what this blog is about..it's probably about you.
Monday, October 18, 2010
you don't know what you got 'til it's...
With my birthday swiftly approaching, I've been reflecting on a lot of different things. This blog will address one of them. Enjoy & feel free to comment!
Ungratefulness is a disease. I was afflicted with this for TOO long & now I believe the side effects are kicking in.
When I was younger, I was ungrateful for my family. In my mind, they would always be there (wanted or not) & I had this unlimited time. In the wake of the 17th anniversary of my mom's death and my father's failing health, I realize how ungrateful I was for them. Now being a parent myself, I look at my son and pray that he will cherish our very small family that consists of myself, my dad, his sister & about 3 aunts. 2 uncles and 3 cousins.
As I've gone thru life and fallen in & out of love & relationships, I realize how ungrateful I've been in some of them. Granted, some of these said relationships ended badly, but in retrospect...yeah. I was ungrateful for the cards left on my pillow "just because"... the random kisses on my neck "because at this very moment, you are so sexy"... the dinners, the card games with other couples..movie nights...walks even with a bad knee/leg/foot because they knew I loved walking hand in hand with no specific destination...having someone listen to my poetry and my writing and ask for more...I was so ungrateful for LOVE. Now that I'm in a relationship with someone who is the POLAR opposite of everyone I've ever experienced, I am grateful for what I did get the chance to know.
I could go on & on for I've been ungrateful for so long...but I won't. I'm just thankful that I stopped the cycle before it got passed on to my son. I will teach him to love and cherish every single second - because in the blink of an eye...it could all be......
Ungratefulness is a disease. I was afflicted with this for TOO long & now I believe the side effects are kicking in.
When I was younger, I was ungrateful for my family. In my mind, they would always be there (wanted or not) & I had this unlimited time. In the wake of the 17th anniversary of my mom's death and my father's failing health, I realize how ungrateful I was for them. Now being a parent myself, I look at my son and pray that he will cherish our very small family that consists of myself, my dad, his sister & about 3 aunts. 2 uncles and 3 cousins.
As I've gone thru life and fallen in & out of love & relationships, I realize how ungrateful I've been in some of them. Granted, some of these said relationships ended badly, but in retrospect...yeah. I was ungrateful for the cards left on my pillow "just because"... the random kisses on my neck "because at this very moment, you are so sexy"... the dinners, the card games with other couples..movie nights...walks even with a bad knee/leg/foot because they knew I loved walking hand in hand with no specific destination...having someone listen to my poetry and my writing and ask for more...I was so ungrateful for LOVE. Now that I'm in a relationship with someone who is the POLAR opposite of everyone I've ever experienced, I am grateful for what I did get the chance to know.
I could go on & on for I've been ungrateful for so long...but I won't. I'm just thankful that I stopped the cycle before it got passed on to my son. I will teach him to love and cherish every single second - because in the blink of an eye...it could all be......
Friday, October 1, 2010
a dream...a simple fantasy.
This blog may depress you - if you're easily prone to tears or outbursts...you may not wanna read this.
You've been warned.
When I close my eyes...life makes me smile. I get warm kisses in the morning...and sweet loving thru the night. I come home to my home...our home..and we would enjoy life..our life. Dinner would be made...my son would have the family that I always dreamed for him...the one that he deserves. Weekends would be filled with family visits..grandma kisses and spoiling...shopping and football games with my loves.
And the morning comes...and I open my eyes.
My bed is empty. The only sound I hear is my son begining to stir in his crib. No warm kisses...no sweet loving the night before. The reality of my life...our life, begins to set in. I make dinner every night..and eat alone with the sounds of the news playing in the background. My phone rings every now & then - until my son begins to cry in the background and then excuses are made to hang up. He cries..and there is no one but me to soothe him. I realize that I haven't been without my son if not for more than 10 mins for a store run - in 4 months. Never asked " Do you need a break?" ... "Can I help you?".I live miles and miles away from anyone who might care - and those miles keep them from doing so. I am tired..and worn...and alone.
Then I look at my son...and I smile. It's all for you, DJ....it's all for you.
You've been warned.
When I close my eyes...life makes me smile. I get warm kisses in the morning...and sweet loving thru the night. I come home to my home...our home..and we would enjoy life..our life. Dinner would be made...my son would have the family that I always dreamed for him...the one that he deserves. Weekends would be filled with family visits..grandma kisses and spoiling...shopping and football games with my loves.
And the morning comes...and I open my eyes.
My bed is empty. The only sound I hear is my son begining to stir in his crib. No warm kisses...no sweet loving the night before. The reality of my life...our life, begins to set in. I make dinner every night..and eat alone with the sounds of the news playing in the background. My phone rings every now & then - until my son begins to cry in the background and then excuses are made to hang up. He cries..and there is no one but me to soothe him. I realize that I haven't been without my son if not for more than 10 mins for a store run - in 4 months. Never asked " Do you need a break?" ... "Can I help you?".I live miles and miles away from anyone who might care - and those miles keep them from doing so. I am tired..and worn...and alone.
Then I look at my son...and I smile. It's all for you, DJ....it's all for you.
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