It's that time again - NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS.

Since I started blogging back in 2004, I have always posted about New Year’s resolutions around this time. Just b/c it’s 6 years later doesn’t mean there has to be any difference.

It seems that every year, I have a plethora of friends who say the same things…

I am going to start back to school…
I am going to make that move to another state…
I am going to lose all this weight that I’ve gained over _____ period of time…

And the list keeps going. All of the things that many people usually resolve are of the same vein. I stopped doing NY’s resolutions many years ago. I’ve always felt that with everyday of your life, you should be embarking on the journey of reaching your goals. Some people use the remaining days of the year to “slack” off, saying that the upcoming year will give them a fresh start.

I believe that if you want to make something happen, you put fire under your own feet and make it happen. There are a lot of things that I “hope” to accomplish this year as an EXTENSION of my goals for 2010. Nothing new, nothing that will take me until 2011 to figure out if I need. It’s all just a part of my long term plans that will stand no matter what “others” are doing for the new year.

It’s a lot that I need to work on, many things I need to “break” myself from. I ordered a few books the other day that were recommended by a few people…all of them dealing with grabbing your goals by the horns and really doing it, really (continuing) to believe in yourself. It doesn’t take a new year for me to realize how important my life’s goals are.

I am my own inspiration who just happens to seek to inspire.

Happy new year, everybody(=

I've been bitten.

by what, you ask? The jealous bug.

Now, the folks that KNOW me - know that I do have a few jealous bones in my body when it comes to relationships and such.

This bone is different.

This bone is more envious than jealous. Yes, there IS a difference.


I want to expound on what I'm feeling...but I'm not sure if anyone would understand.

Just know it all started with a picture of 2 bracelets from Tiffany & Co.

even princesses have off days...

and for some reason, today is mine.

By nature, I am a moody person and admittedly can be difficult to deal with because of said moods. But this has less to do with my whimsical mood swings and more to do with questioning “What’s the point?” I don’t even know why I’m bothering to blog about this b/c it’ll only be fodder for the next episode of “lets-attack-Jai-just-because.” But whatever…I’m human and entitled to feel however I want (even if it’s not necessarily wanted).

I dunno…I just feel that I am doing the absolute most for NO reason. Maybe it has more to do with the fact that I lack as much patience as I’d like to have OR I’m sick of running into the same walls. No matter what the cause, color me annoyed, frustrated, upset, unmotivated, bored, helpless and make it two rounds of ‘all the above’ cuz it’s just not a good one for me.

No further comment…

things I've learned/ randomness

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a random list of things that’s been on my mind. Usually after a sequence of events (all possibly unrelated), I feel the need to write them down. Maybe I’ll reference them later, maybe I won’t. Anyway…

-Never say never. I’m guilty of this but am just now realizing that there are some things that I “am” willing to put up with or accept that I have said in the past I wouldn’t.

-Compromise really is a two way street that eventually dead ends: your way or their way. Either or, someone’s gonna end up bitter.

-If someone is constantly calling someone in their (love) life crazy, more than likely, THEY are the one that’s a little off.

-It’s usually always ‘something’ if they have to stress that it’s nothing.

-Liars still make me sick.

-Excuses are nothing more than a way to buy time.

-It never pays to be the fall back.

-When you say it’s time to let go, do it and mean it. There’s a guy I know….nevermind.

-I’m over some people and things; some shit should be left in the imagination/fantasy world.

the end.

the title says it all.

6/28/09 - 10/28/10

RIP to love.

......untitled for a reason....

And you taught me what this feels like.

And then how it feels to lose it.

And you showed me who I wanted.

And then who I wasn’t.

And you ticked every box.

And then drew a line.

And you weren’t mine to begin with.

And then not to end with.

And you looked like everything I wanted.

And then became something I hated.

And you get thought of every day.

And then not in a good way.

And you let me leave.

And then wish I’d stayed.

And you almost killed me.

But I didn’t die.

shame on me - no, shame on YOU.

"If someone tells you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou


I don't think I've fully embraced that quote until now. A person is always going to present who they are & what they're about - and sometimes, they don't even realize it. It can be in a joke..or maybe a story told about another person. Somehow, someway - they let you know EXACTLY where they stand. I can be honestly enough and say that I have gotten caught up.. I have found myself believing that my bullshit meter is in working order and that NOTHING can get past me. Yeah- THAT didn't work out so well. So, here I sit...writing this blog with a heavy heart & confused spirit. I have a bad habit of wanting to rescue people..and somewhere along the way, I forget to save the most important person - me. I give people way too many chances...way too many opportunities to mistreat & destroy my heart. I put their feelings & wants before my own - and even when they quack LOUD as day, I refuse to believe they are a duck.

"If someone tells you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou

Yes - I had to put it up again. I need to see this..need to feel it in my soul and heed it's warning.

life.

Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating or haven't dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, or which guy or girl likes you. It's not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. It's not about grades,money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not.Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are.

Life just isn't about that.

Life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust,happiness and compassion. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance andbuilding confidence. It's about what you say and whatyou mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. It's about friendship, used as a sanctity or as a weapon. It's about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful or heartening. It's not about starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip.It's about what judgments you pass and why and who your judgments are spread to. It's not about who you've ignored with full control and intention. It's not about jealousy, fear, ignorance, and revenge.

Most of all, life is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise.

The above piece is actually a re-post from another blog I had...but it's something that I read often and truly feel deep in my soul. I've had a lot of time to think and be with myself without outside interference and I came to a conclusion..I waste a lot of my energy on people who don't deserve it. I try so hard to make sure everyone is happy..comfortable..and 70% of the people I do all this for, give me their ass to kiss or show me no compassion or comfort in my time of need. Then I get these bogus ass excuses like"I thought you were cool" or "That's just my personality..sorry." Well,if you cared to ask, you would know I'm not "cool" and if your personality is that cold and unfeeling , perhaps you should limit your contact with other humans.


disclaimer: if you have to email/call/txt me and ask who or what this blog is about..it's probably about you.

you don't know what you got 'til it's...

With my birthday swiftly approaching, I've been reflecting on a lot of different things. This blog will address one of them. Enjoy & feel free to comment!


Ungratefulness is a disease. I was afflicted with this for TOO long & now I believe the side effects are kicking in.


When I was younger, I was ungrateful for my family. In my mind, they would always be there (wanted or not) & I had this unlimited time. In the wake of the 17th anniversary of my mom's death and my father's failing health, I realize how ungrateful I was for them. Now being a parent myself, I look at my son and pray that he will cherish our very small family that consists of myself, my dad, his sister & about 3 aunts. 2 uncles and 3 cousins.

As I've gone thru life and fallen in & out of love & relationships, I realize how ungrateful I've been in some of them. Granted, some of these said relationships ended badly, but in retrospect...yeah. I was ungrateful for the cards left on my pillow "just because"... the random kisses on my neck "because at this very moment, you are so sexy"... the dinners, the card games with other couples..movie nights...walks even with a bad knee/leg/foot because they knew I loved walking hand in hand with no specific destination...having someone listen to my poetry and my writing and ask for more...I was so ungrateful for LOVE. Now that I'm in a relationship with someone who is the POLAR opposite of everyone I've ever experienced, I am grateful for what I did get the chance to know.


I could go on & on for I've been ungrateful for so long...but I won't. I'm just thankful that I stopped the cycle before it got passed on to my son. I will teach him to love and cherish every single second - because in the blink of an eye...it could all be......

a dream...a simple fantasy.

This blog may depress you - if you're easily prone to tears or outbursts...you may not wanna read this.

You've been warned.

When I close my eyes...life makes me smile. I get warm kisses in the morning...and sweet loving thru the night. I come home to my home...our home..and we would enjoy life..our life. Dinner would be made...my son would have the family that I always dreamed for him...the one that he deserves. Weekends would be filled with family visits..grandma kisses and spoiling...shopping and football games with my loves.


And the morning comes...and I open my eyes.


My bed is empty. The only sound I hear is my son begining to stir in his crib. No warm kisses...no sweet loving the night before. The reality of my life...our life, begins to set in. I make dinner every night..and eat alone with the sounds of the news playing in the background. My phone rings every now & then - until my son begins to cry in the background and then excuses are made to hang up. He cries..and there is no one but me to soothe him. I realize that I haven't been without my son if not for more than 10 mins for a store run - in 4 months. Never asked " Do you need a break?" ... "Can I help you?".I live miles and miles away from anyone who might care - and those miles keep them from doing so. I am tired..and worn...and alone.


Then I look at my son...and I smile. It's all for you, DJ....it's all for you.

give peace a chance - or a piece of your mind!

Haven't decided which one yet.

I'll keep you posted.

change is good...but bills are better.

I haven't been blogging...and frankly, I'm not too certain why. I've had the time...the energy - just perhaps not the right words.

I've realized that I've tricking myself into believing that people change. It started with my father and trickled right on down into my social relationships. Oddly enough, both are Leos soooooo I guess I should have known that if one wasn't, neither would the other.

Go figure.

Neither situations are very upsetting - probably because I always knew the outcome and just rode it out.

Ok - I just lied.

The social situation is heartbreaking, painful and it has taken a ton of willpower and prayer NOT to pull my eyelashes out one by one.

There. I said it.

Everyday, I become stronger..I look in the mirror, holding my son & smile. 4 months into it and I'm still making it...he has everything he needs and I did it 90% by myself. He's happy, healthy and beautiful. I refuse to allow my emotions or broken spirit keep me down.

Besides, every women deserves a man who looks at her every day like it's the first time he saw her. Every woman deserves to be respected and adored. Every woman deserves to hugged & kissed & cuddled - and loved. Even thru this - I still believe.


Yup.

I once was blind.

no need for a long entry - I do believe the title says it all.



Hope everyone is enjoying the holiday weekend - I know I am (=

I'm nobodys fool - hello, Mr. Nobody .

It always amazes me when people come to ME for advice - especially when on a fair to regular basis, I feel like my life is a complete & utter mess.

But I digress.

The situation is as follows - My friend & her S.O have been together for a while. Families met, time spent..everything is everything. The exchanging of email & social network PWs happened. Curiousity of course MURDERED the cat & she logged onto his email a few times. One day, she attempted to & found that the PW had been changed. Now her dilemma is "How do I bring this up without sounding like a crazy for checking the damn email to begin with?" . That, of course is an easy fix because as a man, he KNEW you were gonna peek at least once. She confronts him - his excuse? "My ex is hacking me, so I changed my PW..it is blah blah blah." Problem solved, yes?

No.

I forgot to mention his excessive flirting, random phone calls at hours & sudden lack of affection towards her. So, when she tried the PW just days later & found it to be the wrong one, my phone rings. Now, being as though I have found myself in a VERY similar situation, I had 2 words for her.


GET.OUT


Funny how it's always so easy to give advice - and horribly hard to follow it.

In Memory...of me.

There are times when I lay thinking about life and…death. Usually past my bedtime.
My heart drops down to the pit of my stomach; I gasp for air.
My head spins although my eyes are closed. I open them, and I snap out of it.
I’m constantly thinking what can I do to ensure that my obituary is interesting?
Is that selfish of me?
I want to live a fulfilling life; explore, dream, pursue all of my passions. I want to be there for people – something that does not come easy because I am afraid of being a let down. Though, I want to help people genuinely when my heart tells me so, when I’m ready – not because I’m looking for some halo, not because it’s “the right thing to do”.
I want to be the grandmother, greatgrandmother even… that all the kids gravitate to. Grandma who creates memories through her lovin’ from the oven; photographs too.
I want to create traditions. I want to be spontaneous. Ride my life to the moon and back.
Life as I see it can be a hit or a miss.
My life’s gonna be a hit. That, I’m confident of.